Are some people uncoachable?
Sometimes we hit a brick wall when coaching. We’re getting no where, saying the same things over and over and both parties are frustrated. As a coach this can be demoralizing. As a mentee, it can be a source of anxiety. Especially if our coach is our boss (will she give up on me?).
I’ve spent much of the last 10+ years in leadership roles and I’ve noticed a gap in the “manager 101” trainings available. Though new managers get lots of good advice across a variety of disciplines including how to coach, I’ve seen little advice on what to do when the coaching isn’t working. I’ve even been asked “are some people uncoachable?”.
Generally, when we are coaching, we are coaching a specific concept. We are trying to help our mentee through a difficult moment in their career and provide tools that will help beyond the current situation. I’m a fan of the Lifelabs Learning curriculum but there are plenty of ways to become acquainted with concepts like “Testing for receptivity”, non-directive coaching, and having a “future focus”. However, no matter how skillfully you present an idea, sometimes it falls on deaf ears.
I wish these courses would include a section identifying when you and your mentee are stuck. Because, in my experience, while no one is actually “uncoachable”, we can all get stuck. As coaches, we need to learn slow down and look holistically at the situation.
Most often we’ve skipped a step — in our drive to get things done, we failed to notice a blocker. These can arise seemingly overnight or build slowly and when they exist it is important to stop coaching “thing” and work on helping our mentee get over the hurdle.
What are these blockers, how can we identify them and what can we do when we encounter them?
The Blockers:
- 1 — Insufficient Trust
- 2 — Personally identifying with the work
- 3 — Refusing to admit there is a problem
- 4 — Victim mentality
1. Trust First
Most courses on coaching will explain the concept of “testing for receptivity” however I think some under emphasize the importance of relational trust. The more a mentee can trust us, the more likely they are to be receptive to feedback, especially critical feedback.
By now we’ve all heard that psychological safety underpins high performing teams. This also applies to anyone you want to coach. Effective leaders invest a significant amount of time building and maintaining relationships. Without a strong connection, very little of our coaching will be effective.
Psychological safety comes down to three elements: safety, trust, and intimacy. A mentor of mine, Jarrod Shappell, defines these as:
- Safety: “A belief that we won’t get hurt.”
- Trust: “We mean what we say and we say what we mean.”
- Intimacy: “A willingness to make the private public.”
Be inquisitive about your mentee’s life and emotional state, join with and support them when they struggle. Be appropriately vulnerable yourself. There are no short cuts, put in the time and empathy to lay the groundwork for effective coaching.
This is never ending work, when we are helping a mentee through a difficult moment in their life or career, we need to circle back to trust continually. Is your mentee emotionally dis-regulated (aka triggered) by something in their personal life or overwhelmed by the challenges of their job?
Even the strongest of us will sometimes find the marriage, the mortgage, the kids, the commute, the job, the parents, and our aging bodies combine to create waves of emotion that exceed our ability to stay regulated. In this state, advice about a specific work project may be unhelpful and can increase stress. Instead, build trust by being supportive and understanding. Sometimes, your coaching sessions should simply be a place they can decompress and regroup.
2. My work is me
Some people have trouble separating their value as a human from the skill with which they do their work. Their sense of identity is entwined with the job. In some cases this can lead to interpreting criticisms as a challenge to their self worth. To acknowledge that they could do some aspect of their role better is to admit they are a flawed human. Coaching can become impossible as you are challenging their internal narrative and to truly receive your advice risks damaging their sense of identity. Most of us react poorly to this sort of challenge.
In this case, we must help our mentee see their self worth is independent from their current job performance. Indeed, even if they grow, gain skill, and get promoted their intrinsic human value is unchanged. Only after this mental separation is achieved can they effectively be coached.
Achieving this separation is difficult. We must draw out why the connection exists. What story are they telling themselves that makes receiving criticism dangerous? The first step here is awareness, can they acknowledge that their communication style (or whatever it is you are coaching) is a skill like surfing or playing the violin. Something they can practice and improve upon without changing who they are. Tread lightly but be persistent.
NOTE: Your mentee’s colleagues might be playing into this narrative through the way they deliver criticism. When we feel let down by a colleague we tend to see this as a flaw in the other person’s character, versus a consequence of their context. This is called the Fundamental Attribution Error and will increase the likelihood that feedback will be taken personally.
3. Acceptance
The first step in 12 step programs is admitting we have a problem. Similarly, before trying to coach someone on how to improve, you need to ensure they acknowledge there is something that needs improving. Too often I see coaches jumping straight to brainstorming solutions before confirming their mentee agrees the problem exists.
This is a great chance to use a non-directive style: ask the mentee how they see their own performance. Ask them how they thought the project or meeting went, what went well and what didn’t? What was their context? What did they choose to attend to and what did they ignore? If things clearly didn’t go well, can they see how they contributed? What was the impact of their actions and decisions? They should, at least in some way, ask for help. This is a form of receptivity, if your mentee does not agree there is a problem, they are unlikely to take your suggestions to heart.
4. It’s “their” fault
Some people feel powerless in the face of external forces. They tend to see themselves as victims of a system they can’t change. They frequently describe a problem as the result of forces outside their control. “They” are making this impossible!
Psychologists refer to this as having an “external loci of control.” Colloquially, we call it a “victim mentality” and this can be particularly vexing to coach. Much like the “identity” blocker, the cause is likely tied up in their origin story. Their personal narrative is connected to the idea that they are powerless. These internal narratives are so powerful that there is an approach to clinical psychology called “Narrative Therapy”.
To help a mentee in this state means changing the story they are telling themselves. This is delicate work and it is easy to create defensiveness or denial. In my experience, this particular blocker is more likely to be career limiting than all the others. Sometimes, they’ll need to work with a therapist as these issues can be too deeply enmeshed to be handled in a work context. See if you can get them to tell you part of their story. Sometimes, just speaking these beliefs out loud, in front of a trusted mentor, can decrease their power. Again, tread lightly and be persistent.
First things first
My goal with this blog is to encourage you to test for these blockers ideally before attempting to coach some specific concept. Or, if you are struggling with a particular mentee, consider stepping back and seeing if they are exhibiting one of them. As leaders we tend to be very goal oriented, our promotions often a reward for a tenacious ability to drive to outcomes. Unfortunately, when working with psychological barriers, that same relentless focus on “getting things done” can cause us to fight battles we can’t win. Hopefully these concepts help you avoid these coaching dead ends and increase your overall effectiveness.
